Things Owners Believe

With the election tomorrow, I didn’t want to get into any political debate that could enrage the whole thing, but I did want to have some fun. But I will encourage you all to vote tomorrow, it is rather important even though it’s hard to feel that way sometimes. Especially here in Chicago, where they’ve already counted your vote however they want to.

But I’ve gotten a lot of grief lately for apparently being “pro-owner” instead of “angry-at-everyone.” You’ve probably seen this internet meme “Things Republicans Believe.” So here’s what NHL owners believe:

These moronic contracts I’m paying out are not my fault. But I won’t fire my GM.

It’s amazing how much we’ve grown revenues over the past eight years. But our sport will die.

If I spend poorly in any other business I can just change the whole system to erase it, right?

We can save the NHL by killing it.

We have franchises in trouble, but I’m not going to do anything to save them.

Hockey in the South can totally work, especially is there’s only hockey there six out of every eight seasons.

There’s nothing unseemly about the league’s and my TV deal being from the Cable company that I own to the hockey team that I own.

A commissioner who has had three lockouts and still can’t get half the league’s teams profitable is really good at his job.

Donald Fehr won’t do what we tell him, and therefore he’s bad for hockey.

We’re sorry to do this to the best fans in the world. But don’t ever dream of us lowering ticket prices.

We’re angry that we aren’t treated like a major sport by ESPN and the mainstream media. But should that mean we have to act like one?

We can totally be the NBA, but without Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, and Michael Jordan. They’re expensive.

The only way I can be financially responsible is if I’m shackled by the rules. That’s responsibility, right?

I’m in no way jealous that the players get all the attention when the team does well.

I need you to pay for a new arena because it will help the community and local economy. I also don’t give a flying fuck when I hurt that community and local economy that I said would be helped by depriving that arena that you paid for of most of its events.

I abhor the idea of a luxury tax, even though it would allow for rich owners to spend the money they clearly want to spend while providing extra cash for the teams that need help and also allowing players to get paid in a way they like. Because happiness is the enemy.

I have the best live sporting experience to sell. Pay to keep the playing surface pristine to aid that? Why the fuck would I do that?

It’s perfectly acceptable to claim I’m losing money while I’m just jiggering the books between my various companies.

Anyway, feel free to add your own in the comments. Hogs weekend wrap coming later.

  • that last one hit it right on the head.

  • A.J. Parker

    For me, I don’t care whose fault it is. I guess I’m in the “hate everyone” group.

    To be honest, I’m still having a hard time accepting this lock-out. I’ve tried to immerse myself in the NFL and the election and finding new employment, distract myself from this misery.

    There’s no light at the end of the tunnel. There’s no reason to be optimistic. No hope.

    It’s ironic. I moved to Phoenix in 1998 and went to a few NHL games when the Hawks were in town, but the Hawks were bad and not worth the emotional investment. I’d graze on a box score every now and then, but that was it.

    I moved back to the midwest in 2004 and by early 2007 I was back following them and since 2008 I don’t think I have missed a single game. I am all in.

    And now this. It’s so depressing. I just can’t believe it. Fuckers.

    • SamFels

      Hang on a little longer. If there’s any chance of salvaging, it could start this week. If it doesn’t, at least then you’ll know.

  • krome

    I don’t know any owners, so I don’t know how on target you are with these.
    I do know a lot of Republicans, and you can not possibily be any more off target than those lists are. So I guess you can say you over-performed your target no matter how poorly you did.