March 4, 2013 at 1:17 pm #2809
As you may have heard, the long-mooted realignment of the NHL is finally going to take place next season (unless the NHLPA has any lingering resentment from some recent workplace disagreement or other and decides to torpedo it just for laughs) This realignment was mainly sparked by the Atlanta Thrashers moving to Winnipeg yet still competing in the South East Division, leading to the farcical situation of them having to play against Washington. (No one should have to play the Caps. They are really bad at Hockey)
The most talked about aspect of the Realignment has been the departure of the Detroit Red Wings and some other team to the Eastern Conference (or whatever they’re going to call it. My money’s on the Gary4Sid Conference)
This, of course, leaves the Hawks with a major Rivalry-Gap (and Stalberg with a big hole in his Goal Total) No longer will the feared and despised Red Wings be regular adversaries. This is a serious state of affairs. Blinding, Frothing, Searing Hate is one of the deepest joys for Hockey Fans and with the Winged Wheel rolling East the Hawks are going to have to find a new Team to loathe. Fortunately the West (or the WhocaresnoSid Conference) is chock-full of assholes in other uniforms. As a service to you we have circulated a questionnaire among those that we feel are the principal candidates for Hatred.
So, You Want To Be Our Rival?
Detroit and Chicago are “Original Six” teams and have been rivals since the foundation of the League. How does your team shape up, historically?
a) We were formed in the 1967 Expansion just down the road from Chicago and we’ve been there since. And no way do we have a chip on our shoulders about it.
b) Hey! We were formed in the Expansion Six too. Had a really good long rivalry with Chicago in the Norris. Then we folded and moved to Dallas. Wait, whut? 1997? Oh man.
c) We wanted to join in 1967 but the League said “No” which, we now realise, was merely the start of a decades-long secret campaign by the NHL to thwart us at every turn, by whatever means necessary. Here, let me show you the dossier I’ve compiled..
d) We started out in Canada but ended up where we are now due to some guy losing a drunken bet and having to choose “Least Likely Location For A Hockey Team” as his forfeit. Guess the surface of the Sun didn’t have its arena ready.
The Red Wings are one of the most successful teams in the history of the NHL. 11 Stanley Cups have made their way to Detroit. How’s your trophy room looking?
a) Hey, now.. Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know. We’ve only been around since 1967 and it’s not like any of the other teams of the Expansion Six have won.. oh, what? Shit.
b) Pay attention because this gets complicated: Remember how there was that team from here? Well, they didn’t win any Cups and neither have we. But when that team who we didn’t used to be became a new team that has nothing to do with us? Well, they won a Cup. So that’s a big YES! (right?)
c) Cup? Who cares about that silly old thing.. now if we’re talking President’s Trophies..
d) We’ve got three of these things called “The Avco World Trophy” lying around. We keep old buttons and spare batteries in one of them.
Playoff Series tend to be things that define a Rivalry. Detroit have frequently broken the Hawks’ hearts in the Post-Season, most recently in the 2009 WCF. How have your team measured up against Chicago in the Playoffs since the previous Lockout?
a) Great! Except for those years when we didn’t make the Playoffs or got swept. So, not great.
b) Post-Season game? Well sure, that’ll be fun! What time do you want to tee-off?
c) In the Single Greatest Moment in our Franchise’s History we finally slew the Chicago Dragon by scoring in OT of Game 7 after sportingly allowing the Blackhawks to come back from 3-0 down in the series. With the Presidents Trophy (the most important award in Sports) safely in the bag, we could afford to be generous. I don’t remember anything after that wonderful moment of celebration.
d) We knocked you out last year, remember.. oh, sorry. Phrasing.
To be True Rivals you will need to have Hate Figures on your team that Hawks Fans can come to truly despise with every fibre of their being. Detroit has a Fucking Criminal Asshole, Niklas Kronwall, Justin Abdelkader and Justin Abdelkader’s Elbow. How is your Penisloaf Quotient?
a) Sorry, we don’t have any over-testosteroned, brainless turds who will lose their collective shit about two Periods into a close game. Just Manly Men who play Manfully. Oh, and Ryan Reaves. Did you know that he can’t count past twelve because he runs out of fingers?
b) We have this guy whose only possible value is as a Scrabble score.
c) It’s just typical of you to suggest that our fine collection of players are anything other than noble athletes, the very embodiment of the Corinthian Ideal. Anyone who implies that these heroes are, in fact, a bunch of whining, diving, biting, hair-pulling, turtling cheap-shot artists is clearly in the pay of the NHL/The Elders Of Zorg/The International Banking Conspiracy/Sesame Street and what’s more (cont)
d) There’s this ginger guy you might remember.. oh, and our Goalie just broke another stick because he got overlooked for “Best Supporting Actress” at the Oscars.
Finally, Fans and the interaction between them, are a critical component of a Rivalry. What can we expect from your supporters?
a) Heh! You’ll love this. A team of the finest minds in our city have come up with an amazing play on your name. Are you ready? Wait for it… “SHITCAGO!!” Brilliant, isn’t it? Literally the smartest thing to ever come out of our city.
b) We’ll mostly stay very, very quiet. So quiet, in fact, that you’ll be able to hear the fat tears splashing onto the ground as Nick Leddy skates past.
c) We have the Greatest Fans In The Universe. Any fires that happen to start or shops that suddenly get emptied in their vicinity are the work of outside agitators. From Boise, probably. Right?
d) What’s “Fans”?
Well thanks for that.. please add up your scores below.
If you mostly answered
a) You are the St Louis Blues. Yes, we hate your guts but it’s more of a “Contempt” thing for your horrible team, pathetic city and crippling inferiority complex. But you do have Ryan Reaves. So there’s that.
b)You are the Minnesota Wild. Maybe, after a couple of years, we’ll get round to hating you. For the moment we’re still grateful for the Barker/Leddy/Dead Guy trade.
c) You are the Vancouver Canucks. It’s been suggested in some quarters that this Rivalry is fading away faster than Alex Burrows in a Fight. But I’m quietly confident that you’ll manage to reach into your bottomless pit of Douchebaggery one more time this year to get us all fired up again.
d) You are the Phoenix Coyotes. Or, as you’re soon to be known “The Reason We’re Realigning Again”
Has anyone got Nashville’s phone number?March 4, 2013 at 3:25 pm #2813
great stuff. looking at the memo for realignment, our conference makes me want to barf in terms of rivals. not that i don’t think it seems to give us a good competitive advantage, but looking at the possibilities for rivalries, just ugh. a wad of annoying ass teams like nash and st. louis, perpetual clown shoes dallas and minnesota and total garbage colorado and winnepeg.
i would love to start a strong rivalry with minnesota, but their jerseys are just so terrible it’s hard to even take the team seriously. i guess a default to scum jr. will simply have to suffice.
bad blood is really created in the playoffs and so vancouver is really where the enmity currently lies. they are on the schedule just enough to keep those flames high.
i would love to see a good old boys grand experiment, and create an O6 division just for the hell of it. if you keep the home & home with all other teams, it could probably work and really drive ratings for the league. that would just be so cool. do i sound like a nouveau hawks elitist yet?March 4, 2013 at 3:48 pm #2814
the actress bit isn’t really coolMarch 4, 2013 at 5:29 pm #2815
If Detroit was Scum …. Vancouver is Scum West, and St Louis Is Scum Jr. Can’t say I get worked up about Minnesota or Phoenix …. They fail to register on the Scum scale!
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